This post is about what nobody knows how to define specifically. So I'll start with a question: What is self-esteem?
Everyone has felt good about themselves. At the same time, everyone has also had moments when they felt bad about themselves. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just one of life's ordinary circumstances.
We've all heard the following statement from a friend:
- “I don't know why you don't feel good about yourself, you actually look quite nice”.
This is what leads me to reflect on one of fashion's hot topics: self-esteem.
It's fascinating to realise that everyone has something to say about other people's self-esteem, even if they don't always consider themselves very highly. Perhaps that's why we've all thought at one time or another:
- “I only wish I was like you, I'm the one who has reason to feel bad”.
Everyone has seen or taken part in these self-esteem championships, where you rarely come out the winner because there is always something about your opponents that seems worthy of being valued and appreciated more.
Despite the attempts, self-esteem doesn't depend on how you look, nor on your individual qualities or attributes. It concerns the degree to which the qualities and characteristics that each person perceives in themselves are seen as positive.
Self-esteem develops in childhood and depends to a large extent on the degree and quality of the affective investment the child receives from their carers. As such, it's something intrinsic that doesn't depend on what each person has or what they look like, but rather on what each person perceives and feels about themselves.
In view of this, it's pertinent to ask: what do you do when someone says they have low self-esteem?
Paradoxically, in these cases, compliments or flattering comments have no positive effect on self-esteem and can even have the opposite effect, leading the person being complimented to withdraw or feel misunderstood.
For example, comments like:
“you look good”,
“you have everything to be happy”,
“you have a good job”,
“you have a beautiful family”,
don't add any sense of self-worth to people with low self-esteem.
This is because, when they hear compliments, these people tend to interpret them in this way: ‘if you really knew me and knew how I felt, you wouldn't say that kind of thing about me’.
This is one of the reasons why in psychotherapy we never pat each other on the back, give compliments or have friendly conversations.
Psychotherapy is not a place for chit-chat. It's a space where everyone has the opportunity to see differently, looking inwards, to the point of asking themselves questions like these:
- Why is there this feeling of strangeness inside me that makes me feel insecure and disconsolate about who I am?
Self-esteem is not an instant product, nor is it something that resembles fast food. Nor does it increase with external rewards, nor is it something that other people can give you a dose of. On the contrary, it's something that takes time to solidify and become resilient.
It begins as if it were a seed sown in childhood by some kind of farmers who look after it. Slowly it takes root, finding its nourishment in a sense of security, which in turn generates opportunities for success that will later foster the confidence needed for everyone to look at themselves with satisfaction and pleasure.
This is why self-esteem refers to the degree to which the qualities and characteristics that each person perceives in themselves are seen as positive. True self-esteem doesn't depend on third parties, it's not given or taken away, it's within each person, like a solid and resistant block, making people able to face all difficulties with determination, and curiously, able to ask for help whenever they feel they need it, without feeling that this makes them vulnerable or belittles them.
If a parent has not provided enough caring affirmations to a child, is there a way that they can make up for it when the child is an adult with low self-esteem?
Brilliant explanation!